This post is one I am happy to feature by a friend of mine, Cheyenne Ryman. As a content warning, I will note that this post talks about struggling with mental illness issues, as well as losing a family member— more specifically, her younger brother, Dakota, who was taken from this world far too soon by a careless driver. He passed June 4th, 2012 at the tender age of 15. His absence is still sorely felt by everyone who knew him.
Cheyenne felt that, if she merely posted this on social media, her message wouldn't be heard, and as someone who firmly believes everyone should have their voices heard, I was happy to share it here on GetLiterary. After all, this is a place where words are magical, and Cheyenne's version of a spoken word/slam poem style piece is no exception.
Here she is! What a stunner!
Without further ado, here's what she has to say:
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
This is long, but very powerful. If you have ever struggled and felt like you couldn’t do it anymore, then this is for you. This is also for me. To show myself that I am not just defined by my anxiety or depression. I’m defined by everything I thought I would never understand, and I am now learning that it’s hard, but so very possible. I’m becoming the person I felt like I lost forever. The person who made her life better than how her mind made it feel. The real, true me. 6 years. 73 months. 321 weeks. 2,246 days. 53,904 hours. 3,234,240 minutes. 194,054,400 seconds. Almost 7 birthdays. Thousands and thousands of memories unmade.
Why? Can someone please just give me a reason?
A reason to why the most innocent person, with the kindest of hearts and the most beautiful of souls, had to leave the earth he was going to do marvelous things on? I’m tired of not having a reason and hearing the same old, “Everything happens for a reason, but you won’t ever know that reason,” speech.
I want a reason as to why a heartless and careless human being can just walk away from what they did, wipe their hands clean and only receive a traffic citation. Why they never had any remorse for their wrong doing. I want a reason for why I feel so angry, but also for why it never gets any easier.
Driving the speed limit can and will save someone’s life. Whether you are driving, riding, or walking, going the speed limit and following the rules of the road can and will save someone’s life. Unfortunately, it didn’t save my brother's. The person who took his life wasn’t following the rules. That person was speeding and looking away from the road. That person (in a smart car) sent a 185 pound boy 115 feet. Stopped 200 feet AFTER he was hit.
That person never apologized to my family; they shrugged their shoulders and said, “Oh well, he’ll be alright," as he laid in my stepdad's arms and took his last breath. A person with no remorse, nor regret, looked at my unconscious brother and said, “He'll be alright.” He wasn’t alright. Even if he would have kept breathing, he still wouldn’t be alright.
I can tell you right now, I haven’t grieved my brother. I don’t know how. How do you teach yourself to grieve the loss of your best friend? Your partner in crime? The person who annoyed you most, but who wouldn’t change for the world?
I need a reason.
A reason that tells me why my family (who has been through enough) keeps having to go through triumphs and tragedies, when all we are trying to do is live our life without being sad all the time. A reason to explain why horrible things happen to wonderful people. I need someone to give me a reason for why I haven’t grieved. I just need a reason.
I need a reason to a whole lot of questions that no one will ever be able to answer, because nobody knows. The one person who knows won’t be able to answer me until I gain my wings like he did. It sucks. Life truly sucks. No matter how hard you try, something always brings you down. No one in this world has a perfect life, and no one can say they have never experienced something that will affect them forever.
I need a reason.
A reason for why the feeling of never being good enough for you, or anyone else, comes from feeling like I wasn’t good enough to keep my brother. Like I wasn’t good enough to have him because there are things wrong with me, so I’m not good enough for anyone. I need a reason. A reason for why I feel so invisible when talking because I rarely ever get a response, because in my head I feel I’m just overbearing and annoying you, but I’m actually talking too fast and changing the topic 50,000 times.
You’re just listening to me, but I feel like I’m annoying you and being a nuisance. Why in the world do humans have to have such complex minds? Why do humans have to force themselves to keep going for everyone else? When they can’t push anymore, and then end everything, they are called "inconsiderate" and "selfish," when in reality, they feel as if they should stop fighting and leave everything they have behind. It would be doing everyone they know a favor.
Many reasons cause that thought. Some, because they can’t physically fight with their mind anymore. Some, because they think they can get to a person they lost faster if they leave the world, too. There are so many reasons for so many things, but I bet no one can give me a real answer as to why nothing will ever help or fix it.
No one can give me a rock solid reason to the things I listed above, but there are rock solid reasons of why my brain is different then yours. Reasons of why the sky is blue, and that the earth is indeed round instead of flat. Why are there so many reasonings and answers to 90% of the universe, but not to what I need the answers for?
How do I find them? Who do I talk to? There must be someone that can help me or tell me those answers. There is someone out there who can find a reason for trillions of other things. So, where is that person? Where can I find them?
That is me. Before, I understood how you can’t control everything that happens. You can only control how you handle the situations yourself.
I just need a reason. No matter what or who you believe in, the reasonings to those questions may never be answered— simply because you have to answer them yourself. You have to start believing in yourself. Realizing that sometimes it’s okay to figure things out without the help of someone else. Without someone judging you or saying, “No, you’re wrong.”
Show the world that YOU, the person who feels like they’re nothing, can keep pushing themselves all the way to their breaking point. Pushing to the verge of giving everything up, to get back up and say, "I can do this."
The answers we are looking for are not from another person. It’s from ourselves. Whether it’s positive or negative, you find the reasons within the stages and trials of your life. You may never understand how it works. Why you feel the way you do about yourself, or why you had to see the “tragic side” of life, until you decide to stand up and help yourself. You are the only person who can change how you decide to deal with it. It will take TIME and EFFORT, but anything is possible.
Find yourself, love yourself, find a great support system. Then, when you finally feel like the weight isn’t crushing your shoulders, look for your reasons of why this tragedy isn’t going to make you weak anymore. You will kick ass and show them this will make you stronger.
Myself? I’m still trying to learn to love myself. With determination, I will end up happy with my decisions and how things turned out. Then I’ll be thankful to know I was gifted with the people I lost, even if I didn’t have them very long. I needed a reason, and I found it. I found out how to get myself to push through the struggle and get back to fixing me. Setting and completing my goals. How to ignore the thoughts in my head about myself, but also what other people think of me.
I’m by no means there yet, but I figured out how to get there. I started removing the demons on my shoulders. I’m learning to stand up 10 times after falling down 8. Knowing that no matter what my mind wants me to think, people love me and care for me more than I feel they do. Learning my thoughts are from having anxiety and depression, so my mind plays tricks, to make me think I’m never going to be good enough.
That my life is going be miserable forever, but that’s not true unless I make it that way. I’m still learning that the worst days may still be yet to come. I can’t prepare for them, so I won’t dwell on what they might be. I WILL walk through life and stay strong, while everything is being thrown at me, like I’m not being hit with anything at all.
I will show myself that the reasons I’ve lost my brother and everyone else, the actions of the person or things that took their lives, and why it happened to me is not because I’m not good enough or because I was being punished. It was only because I needed to see that I was taking everything in my life for granted. I needed something to push me harder and show me I’m here for a reason. Something that gave me every single reason to break down and let the demons win more than I’d like to admit, to stand tall through that storm.
Coming out to win the long, stressful battle of your depression. I thought the tragedies and the struggles were going to end my life. Part of me wanted to give up and leave. Part of me wanted to shut everyone out, do them and myself a favor and end it all. Thank goodness I didn’t give up.
I’m trying really hard everyday to keep those thoughts away. Some people aren’t as lucky. Some people don’t learn how to push and keep the positive side. That doesn’t mean they are selfish or weak. It means they need more time to figure out how it works. I didn’t know how to push myself through it. I still don’t, in some ways. That’s why you work for it.
I thought trying to do it myself, or help from the support system of people; I was going to look like a fool and I’d never be able to even start this process. In reality, I am gaining a much closer relationship with God, my family, my friends, and most of all— myself.
I'm taking each day as a new step to show every single one of you that depression sucks, but you can get through it. Not knowing the answers to the most important things to you sucks— but this is not the end. You are stronger than you think. You will get some type of answer for the things you can control, when you learn how to control them.
Just do it at your pace, take your time, and don’t let anything make you feel like you should give up. You are given struggles to make yourself stronger. Your life is just as important as mine is. I found the reason. The reason is not an answer you can give someone else. The reason is not pretending everything is fine, when you really need someone to listen.
The reason is you. The reason for your questions of life, death or whatever, isn’t found in a text book. It’s found in you. Change how you decide to cope. When you feel like you can’t push through, then you have to take it a little slower and breathe. Don’t rush because you’re anxious and just want to feel “normal." It takes time. I am learning all about it everyday. Taking my time to understand how to control the things that are uncontrollable in my mind.
I found the reasons as to why my life was “hard." Every time I thought I could keep going, I got knocked down deeper in the water and felt like I was drowning. Life is only hard if you let it control you. You can do this. We can do this. Be your reason for success and not someone else’s example of failure.
Ask for help, ask for a friend. ANYTHING. Just please find your reasons and learn they are either going to make you or break you. If you have been breaking for this long, it isn’t worth giving up now. You already made it this far. Keep walking, keep pushing yourself to make yourself happy.
As long as you don’t give up on me, I will never give up on you. I'll be right here beside you through it all.